I can’t believe it – I look at my appointment book first thing this morning and realize I have all 4 of them in the salon at the same time…on the same day. Now it’s only 9 AM and I’ve already downed half the flask of “emergency whisky” I keep stashed in the mannequin bust displaying the latest Louis Ferre wig. I hollowed out the head. Nobody knows it’s there except me and the mannequin. And since she’s already seen me dissect a very large portion of her Styrofoam brain with a pair of scissors, I’m pretty sure she’s going to keep her mouth shut…if she knows what’s good for her.

By the way, I’m Gabby Gossip and this beautiful little salon is all mine! Well that’s not true…my ex-husband forked over some of the seed money in the divorce settlement. He had to. Unless of course he wanted everyone at his firm to see the pictures of him wearing my fishnets and stilettos. Pay back is a bitch isn’t honey? Well that’s what happens when you change your oil in some other woman’s garage…in broad daylight…on a Sunday afternoon…in plain view of sweet, little 7 year-old Mary-Ellen Fisher and her lemonade stand.

“Umm…Ms. Gossip?” She says knocking on my front door. “I think your husband is locked in Ms. Henessy’s car with Ms. Henessy. She’s screaming and he keeps banging his head on the window. His face is awfully red and sweaty. Is he gonna die?”

“No Mary-Ellen,” I answered calmly, “He’s not going to die. He’s going to pay!”

So here I am, Gabby Gossip, proud owner of “Glamatopia”, the hottest salon in Burberry. I don’t do $10 cuts with a free wash in the back sink, so put away your roll of quarters and save them for the bus. And leave the snotty nosed kids at home. The only snot I ever deal with wears expensive bling with Jimmy Choos and carries a Marc Jacobs bag full of credit cards.

Which brings me back to the 4 ladies who are going to grace my salon chairs for the better part of the morning… I can handle one of them and actually they’re not so bad when they travel in pairs. But all 4 at once? Someone on my staff is getting her ass fired - that’s all I can say…

First there’s Diva Dish – married I think. She’s a High-Powered Executive for Caatchi Caatchi an Advertising Agency here in the city. She’s always talking on her cell about something apparently VERY important. Good thing I had those sound boosters installed…’cause now I can hear everything. She’s tough and doesn’t put up with any crap from anyone. Kind of like me. Sure she can be a bitch but we all have our moments. A little attitude is a good thing. That incredibly expensive painting hanging behind the counter – that’s what attitude bought me. Besides she always leaves a great tip…

Then there’s Prima Pink. OMG! Talk about thinking the clouds really are made of cotton candy…this girl is so naïve! If you told her that someone decided the letter “G” was no longer considered useful and was being dropped from the alphabet, she’d believe you – “…’ood morning ‘abby ‘ossip…” she’d say without even thinking twice. But she manages to run Posh Pads, the top Real Estate Company in Burberry so maybe she’s just fooling us… Sometimes brilliance wears a beautiful disguise. All I know is she’s sweet and kind and always leaves a basket of fresh fruit on the counter when she leaves. Although she needs to get herself a real pet. That dog of hers, Paco…he looks more like a shaved mouse with an oversized head.

Coco Couture…she’s a local celebrity of sorts - writes a column for the Gaberdine Gazette and loves to be noticed. She’s always wearing clothes she can’t afford and paying her bill with some strange mans’ credit card. How she manages that I’ll never know. Lucky bitch. The only time a man pulls out his credit card for me is when…well come to think of it…never. Maybe if I offer her a discount, she’d spill her secrets…

Last but not least, there’s Mimi Milan, the sex therapist who…well let’s just say, she’s been known to bring the odd man home on occasion. But I guess if you’re going to counsel people about sex, you’d better know what you’re talking about. And by the sounds of some of her conversations, she does. She’s a woman who isn’t afraid to be herself and go after what she wants. Men love her and deep down inside women wish they had enough guts to be like her. She’s always ready to share a few pointers…and her leftovers.

So it’s going to be a morning from Hell. They’ll be yakking the whole time about who’s doing who and what happened at the bar last night. They always have the best stories…which reminds me…I’d better put fresh batteries in my tape recorder. Wouldn’t want to miss a word…

Damn! Gotta go, the news just reported that Britney shaved her head again and I need to order a few more razors from my supplier. I smell a profitable trend…

Gabby out.